Why people who don’t agree (with me) are completely wrong

We are living in a divided nation.

Wham!’s “Last Christmas” is a bad song. First of all, it is stained with the great sins of all ’80s music: cold, inhuman synthesizer and a random echo effect. Trendy at the time, these choices take away from every song they blight. Synthesizer ages the soundtracks of hundreds of classic movies. Meanwhile, random echo is why Leonard Cohen’s first recording of “Hallelujah” is so cruddy and unlistenable. “Last Christmas” gave both its heart. And the very next day, they gave it away.

And by the merry-stinking-way, “Last Christmas” is no “Hallelujah.” Its gloomy chord progressions and somber lyrics lump it with the most deplorable group of all—sad Christmas songs.

A familiar scene: You throw on a coat to run to the store and pick up peppermint bark chocolate. The supermarket radio lulls you with the ambient warmth of “White Christmas,” and then, Wham!—pun intended—you’re thinking about how a failed relationship can taint the happiest holiday.

Sad Christmas songs pop up when you least expect them, like boxed chocolates with mushy raspberry fillings.

I can’t understand how a rational person wouldn’t agree.

As a righteous man, I have always hated this song. Growing up, we had plenty to worry about. From paying for gifts to putting up the tree to chipping in on Christmas breakfast to putting out the annual tree fire, the holiday season brought more than enough stress. From the first weekend in November to Dec. 26, radio music has served Philly the fuzzy and familiar, helping us through the holiday hell. We needed it. We needed warmth and understanding. We did not need musicians harping about their heartbreak.

The best Christmas songs are the ones that evoke good feelings, good memories, objectively perfect classics like “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” or “I Want a Hippopatus for Christmas.” Every experience I’ve had in life points to these songs being good, and “Last Christmas” being bad. It’s my deeply felt opinion, and really, isn’t that about the same thing as a fact anyway?

This is about more than Christmas music. If “Last Christmas” is a Christmas song, Christmas means nothing. If people can’t look at their own memories and tastes and come to the same conclusion as me, maybe there are just no such things as facts.

And I don’t want that! I want there to be facts. Specifically, I want there to be my facts.

Of course, there are bound to be different opinions. Most people other than me are wrong about most things. Maybe, if you see it my way, that’s true for you too. Yes, we, the perpetually correct, must be understanding. Maybe our friends who actually like this song are just misguided. I have friends who root for the Dallas Cowboys, and friends who can, without hesitation, eat shrimp. They say it’s a difference in taste, a different interpretation, a different opinion.

But you and I? We know better. “Last Christmas” deserves to go.