A total of eight players on St. Joe’s men’s and women’s basketball teams have entered the NCAA transfer portal this year, looking to continue their basketball careers at another school.

I am one of them.

The transfer portal is an online database where student-athletes place their names to declare their desires to leave their current institution. Athletes enter the portal by first informing an official in the athletics compliance department at their current institution. According to NCAA regulations, that official has two business days to enter the athlete’s name in the database and release them to play at another institution.

My time at St. Joe’s has been full of excitement and success as I was an important player for St. Joe’s women’s basketball team over the last three years. Until it wasn’t. And I wasn’t.

I first considered leaving after my sophomore year but decided to see what I could bring to my junior year. I realized this February, though, that my mental health was not where it needed to be.  I wasn’t happy. I was headed back to that dark place where I felt nobody believed in me, and I needed to go somewhere where I could be an impactful player.

There are a lot of reasons why people want to transfer, but mostly it’s because you don’t feel like you’re getting developed to excel at and expand your game. So, you want to go somewhere where you’re going to get better. My teammate, first-year forward Laila Fair, started almost every game her first year but eventually reached a point where she realized St. Joe’s was not the place for her anymore.

“I felt as if I was underestimated, so I was kind of just thinking about giving it one more year,” Fair said. “There was a moment during that last game I realized, I don’t think this is going to be a good fit for me.”

Fair entered the transfer portal in late March and just committed to the University of Massachusetts.

Junior guard Kaliah Henderson, another one of my teammates, placed her name in the portal at 4:28 p.m. on Jan. 19. She came in with me and four other players in 2019. Of the six of us in that recruiting class, only one remains on the team, junior Jaden Walker.

Henderson remembers the exact moment she entered the portal.

“At first I was scared. When you go to the transfer portal you have to start all over again. But that was the risk I was willing to take, instead of being here where I’m unhappy and depressed. I had to go see a therapist, and I never had to go see a therapist until I came here,” Henderson said. 

Henderson committed to Florida International University.

“I would say that transferring has been the best thing for me and my mental health,” Henderson said. “I want to choose to focus on experiences that are life-sustaining, not life-draining. I’m very excited to continue my academic and basketball career at FIU.”

I never told Henderson, but she gave me the confidence to put my name in the portal and not be afraid to want better and do what was best for me.

I remember my exact moment, too. 9:05 a.m. on Jan. 31. I didn’t tell anyone what I was going to do, not my teammates, not my coaches, not my friends. I wanted it to be under the radar because I didn’t want people gossiping about it. I wanted to leave on a clean slate.

The day after our Jan. 29 game against the University of Massachusetts, I sent my paperwork to Ken Krimmel, assistant director for compliance services at St. Joe’s, who processed it and placed my name in the portal.

On Jan. 31, I received an email alerting me that my name had been officially placed into the portal, along with some information about using the weight room in Hagan Arena, getting help from a trainer and accessing academic support. But I was no longer on the women’s basketball team and had no access to the locker room. My basketball career at St. Joe’s was over.

Once you’re in the transfer portal, coaches at other schools can reach out to you. I fielded a lot of phone calls, with more than 22 schools connecting with me in February and March. They scheduled Zoom meetings to introduce themselves and get to know me, then started asking me for my unofficial transcripts to make sure the courses I’ve taken at St. Joe’s as a communication studies major lined up with the ones I will need to take where I end up.

Going through the transfer process is like a business transaction. It’s a sales pitch. The coaches are the employers who want to hire you. They pitch the best aspects of the school to you, the education, the campus, the dorms, the uniforms, the gear, the locker rooms.

Junior Jack Forrest, a former member of the men’s basketball team, entered the transfer portal this year and is now committed to Bucknell University. He said the sales pitch gets old.

“It’s just at a certain point, you’re done answering these calls,” Forrest said. “The coaches are saying the same thing over and over. I felt that it was best for me to get on campuses with some of these guys and just really learn their true intentions because at the end of the day, what they’re saying is BS, and the’’re going to tell you whatever you want to hear. So to be able to get to campuses, I thought it was important for me to be able to make a decision.”

The difference between being a senior in high school and making a choice about where I wanted to play basketball and being a junior in college is when you’re younger, you don’t get past “they want me.” Now, you know it’s important to weigh what you want. I’ve played over 60 games at St. Joe’s. My basketball I.Q. is higher. I know what I want on the court, and off. I’m coming to work, to do my job.

I chose April 18 as my commitment date. When you enter the transfer portal, you can choose how long you want to keep the process open. I wanted to choose a date that would allow me to start the summer session with a new school. I also wanted to move away from the bad energy I was feeling and restart, to feel like myself again.

My parents have really supported me throughout the process, encouraging me to make choices that are best for me. After I entered the portal, the darkness started to lift. My love for basketball came back. I joined an IM basketball team this spring and had fun again playing the game I love. I worked out. I started eating healthier. I got to spend more time with my dog. I’m more focused on my education.

By April 18, I had narrowed down my choices to three schools, Chicago State University, Austin Peay State University and Stony Brook University. All three schools have tremendous coaches, and they are all about being there for their players.

Ultimately, I chose Austin Peay State University.

I don’t have any regrets. I feel at peace with myself. I feel free.