Welcome back to St. Joe’s! Or, if you’re new here, hi, nice to meet you! See how friendly we are? I’m going on my fifth year here, so I kind of get this whole college thing…Well, I mean I’ve been here for a while. As St. Joe’s gets ready to unveil its most ambitious campus renovation project since 1851 (a hole in the ground under City Avenue), here are some tips and tricks for campus living.

Finding the right bathroom on campus is as important as finding the right major. The Perch offers a great selection of commodes that any St. Joe’s veteran has inevitably used. But, if you’re one of the lucky ones with access to Claver House, the Honors Program building, you know it offers the best, most pristine restroom on campus. A dishonorable mention to the Campion bathrooms which house the world’s second-largest collection of human waste behind the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Campus living is expensive, so it’s paramount you maximize your return on investment. There is nothing stopping you from filling up a gallon jug with Pepsi from the dining hall besides a little bit of shame. The great thing about living on campus is you don’t have to pay for utilities. That means you can take a shower as long as you want, with the only consequence being damage to the environment. My personal record was three hours during my first year.

There’s a whole list of rules regarding what you can and can’t do in your dorm, but I’ve recently discovered a bit of a loophole. The student handbook’s policy on having pets in dorms says, “The only pets that are permitted for residential students are fish kept in tanks less than 10 gallons.” However, at no point does it list a limit on the number of fish or 10-gallon tanks you are permitted to have. So, to all my first-year friends: this campus needs an aquarium.

Now, go forth and set your future on fire, or whatever it says in Campion.