We’ve all been there. One minute, your body is at ease. The next, a wave, starting in your stomach, ferociously makes its way through your lower intestines. 

You feel primal fear, and as cold sweat dribbles down your forehead, you know you need to use the bathroom. Now.

But where? The truth is that bathrooms are not all created equal.

With this conundrum in mind, I made it my personal crusade (or “poo-sade”) to find five of the best single-user restrooms on Hawk Hill, based on bathroom atmosphere, privacy, cleanliness and convenience.

Now, when the wave strikes you, you’ll know where to go — if you can get there fast enough.

Center for Inclusion and Diversity (CID), Campion Student Center, second floor

By and large, Campion’s bathrooms are not ideal for a stomach-curdling catastrophe. Many are located in areas with plenty of foot traffic, meaning your dignity will be completely at the whim of the sounds your body decides to make. Yet within the CID, there are single-stall restrooms that are as comfortable as they are important to the students who call the CID home. 

A pristine, shining toilet adorns each of the CID’s single-user bathrooms. Period products stocked by HawkHUB’s Operation Tampon — which supplies free period products in bathrooms across the Hawk Hill campus — and Bath & Body Works lotions to apply after handwashing are also provided.

Vianna Gendraw ’27 said the bathrooms in the CID are good and quiet.

“You don’t have to be disturbed or worried about anyone coming in while you’re peeing,” Gendraw said.

Maguire Wolfington Welcome Center, all floors

Contrary to popular belief, the Welcome Center houses more than the Office of Undergraduate Admission and Hawk Hosts. It also holds some of the finest single-stall bathrooms on campus.

After opening a rich, mahogany bathroom door, you will be greeted by glowing waves of sunlight rolling gently through a large window onto a retro black-and-white tiled floor.

The bathrooms are loved by the staff of the Office of Undergraduate Admission. Casey Clemetsen ’21, assistant director of admission, said she has preferred bathrooms for different occasions.

“My favorite poop bathroom is the first floor one, as it’s away from many people’s offices, desks,” Clemetsen said. “I believe it’s the most soundproof one.”

The greatest downside of the Welcome Center’s restrooms is their inconvenience. Reaching the Welcome Center requires walking up a long, winding road, unsuitable for a sudden colon crisis. Additionally, the building requires swipe access, though most admissions staff will let you inside to use a bathroom if you’re locked out.

Barbelin Hall, first floor, left side

This bathroom pick won’t surprise anyone. In a building where classrooms and offices are hidden inside a 97-year-old maze, this stall is a landmark the St. Joe’s community can rely on.

This bathroom’s perks are undeniable. Its high ceilings make it too big to feel cramped, it is illuminated with natural light, and its convenience is unmatched. If an intestinal emergency strikes in Barbelin, this bathroom is your obvious choice. That is, if you can remember which corner it’s tucked into.

Katie Harper ’25 said this bathroom is one of their top single-user options.

“All the bathrooms in Barb just feel fancier,” Harper said.

Its biggest drawback is its location, as its convenience makes it frequently occupied. Even if you manage to secure it for yourself, someone still may knock on the door or turn the handle, ruining your post-Dunkin’ bathroom break’s zen.

O’Pake Fitness & Recreation Center, lobby, right side

At first glance, you wouldn’t even know these bathrooms exist. Two single-user restrooms sit tucked at the end of a short, black hallway, away from the prying eyes of passing gym goers.

Like the rest of the newly-renovated building, these bathrooms are updated, chic and modern. Their dark gray tiled floors and aesthetic lighting are as fit to take a picture of your post-workout pump as they are to light up your post-workout dump.

The downside of these bathrooms is the vigilant O’Pake front desk workers. They’ll see you as you check into the building, disappear into the hallway and reappear half an hour later (visibly lighter), leaving little to the imagination as to what “crap-pened” in there.

The Wolfington Center for Ministry, Faith, and Service, second floor

This may be the holy throne on Hawk Hill. 

Located in the home of Campus Ministry, the bathroom comes with a gorgeous, gleaming white vanity and a clean, wide mirror. The window to the toilet’s left provides lovely natural light, and small potted plants decorating the restroom provide divine tranquility.

Kate Malley ’27, a Wolfington Hall student worker, said this bathroom is her favorite in the building.

“It’s very much like a house,” Malley said. “It feels very comfortable.”

“Comfortable” is an understatement. Walking into this bathroom feels like a breath of fresh air (and it’ll smell like it too, thanks to the adjustable windows and can of air freshener). 

Even if you’re across campus, this bathroom is worth the hike. If you have the sphincter strength to make the trek, you’ll be rewarded with a bathroom experience fit for a saint.

St. Joe’s has 40 gender-inclusive restrooms across its Hawk Hill and University City campuses.

Luke Sanelli ’26 works in the Office of Undergraduate Admission as a Hawk Host.