Baseball is boring

With baseball season almost upon us, I need to ask: Can we stop pretending it’ll ever be as entertaining as football? I’ve met far too many people who say baseball is their favorite sport. Are we watching the same game? Baseball is so boring.

I get it. It’s tradition. During the 1800s, when we had nothing better to do than get tuberculosis, I would’ve loved spending six hours watching baseball. But nowadays, this is the only sport where there’s enough time for John Kruk to yell at a child, get a cheesesteak, eat it and not miss anything. Baseball takes hours, and for most of the game, players just stand around. Plus, if the sport’s unofficial anthem asks you to buy Cracker Jack, there’s a problem. 

To put baseball into perspective, Shohei Ohtani won his third MVP award last season and is regarded as one of greatest baseball players ever. His 2024 batting average was .310. This means the best player in the world doesn’t hit the baseball almost 70% of the time. That’s not a knock to Ohtani, that’s a knock to the game. If Jalen Hurts missed 70% of the time, he would be the most hated man in Philadelphia since Ben Simmons, but in baseball, this rate makes you the MVP. It makes no sense.

Here’s how we can fix baseball:

Shorten the season. I don’t want to watch anything 162 times a year. I barely want to leave my house 162 days a year. Basketball plays 80 fewer games and is fine, so baseball can, too. There’s no reason to hear about Opening Day a few months after the World Series ended.

Let them fight. Football players can hit each other as much as they want, hockey players get a slap on the wrist for a fist to the face, but baseball players can’t even charge the mound anymore. Ridiculous. 

Bring back dollar dog night. If your sport is boring, you could at least bribe us with cheap mystery-meat tubes. The people demand justice and dollar dogs.