I’m not always a good listener.
If you’ve ever talked to me, chances are you’ve heard me utter, “What did you say?” or “Huh?” at least six times in one conversation. I get distracted easily and focus too strongly on what I want to say in response.
I recently watched a TED Talk where international speaker Julian Treasure gives five tips on how to listen better: silence, the mixer, savoring, listening positions and RASA. RASA stands for receive, appreciate, summarize and ask. I decided I’d follow these tips for five days to see if I could become a better listener.
Connecting with the world through silence was my first task.
For three minutes each day, I sat in silence. The first day was difficult, as finding a quiet space and attempting to “hear” silence takes a lot of effort. I sat in a seemingly abandoned hallway in the Science Center. About a minute and a half in, someone came out of one of the rooms and coughed loudly (and wetly).
The next couple of days weren’t much better. I decided to do it right when I woke up, before my roommates were awake and making noise. I immediately fell back asleep.
The next tip was finding different noise channels, what Treasure calls the mixer, which was easier. On the first day, outside the Starbucks in Hawks’ Landing, I pinpointed seven different channels: birds chirping, people talking, a bus turning, the walkway beeping, cars turning and running over grates, cars going along City Avenue and someone typing. I repeated this twice daily and discovered the world is full of noise I’d been missing.
The third tip was to savor mundane sounds. Instead of walking around campus with my clunky, noise-cancelling headphones on, I kept my ears uncovered. I noticed the wind shifting through the trees, the hum of a microwave and the morning chirping of the birds. Even in the most common of noises, there is beauty, I realized.
Tip number four was to change listening positions, which I’d already been doing.
Joseph McCleery, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology and executive director of academic programs for the Kinney Center for Autism Education and Support, said many components go into active listening, like paying attention to the person you’re talking to. McCleery also noted that to actively listen, you have to notice someone’s emotional state and the cues they give.
“A lot of times, when we’re interacting with someone and talking with them, in order to reflectively listen, we actually have to look away from them sometimes,” McCleery said.
Active listening doesn’t look the same for everyone, nor is everyone able to switch their attention in the same way. For example, autistic people may not use the same visual rhythm of looking at conversation partners neurotypical people use, McCleery said.
The final tip is the most important one: RASA.
On the first try, I noticed it’s a little awkward. I listened to my roommate telling a story and gave her my full, audible attention. I’d say “Mhmm,” “Oh” and “Yeah?”
Elaine Shenk, Ph.D., professor of Spanish and chair of the languages and linguistics department, describes this as backchanneling. However, this is not always an indicator of good listening, according to Shenk. Some people prefer silence and attention rather than small, appreciative noises.
“You might be looking for that in an active listener,” Shenk said. “But for other people, they might feel that that’s interrupting. So, it’s very culturally connected.”
After my roommate finished her story, I summarized her story and followed with some questions. She seemed to have appreciated it.
Tinamarie Stolz, M.A. ’24, assistant director of Campus Ministry, is known for her listening skills in pastoral care, where she meets with students to discuss any spiritual problems they may be having. She said part of listening well is asking good questions.
“I know I’m being a good listener when my questions are good,” Stolz said. “Those two things go together because you can only ask people really good questions if you’re really listening to what they’re saying.”
McCleery noted if you enter a conversation with an idea in mind of what the other person will say, you won’t really hear them.
“The active listening part is letting them get out all of their ideas without making too many assumptions — not just interrupting them but also giving up on the possibility of learning more about them or their perspective,” McCleery said. “ Even if you’re not cutting them off, you’ve cut yourself off to that kind of level of conversation.”
After a week of active listening, I realized to listen to someone, you have to really hear what they’re saying. The world is full of noise. Tune some of it out and focus on the present. There are millions of conversations worth having.
