Complimenting strangers for a week
I was walking back from class when I gave my first compliment to a complete stranger.
“I love that sundress!”
Although this stranger seemed to be in a hurry, she suddenly stopped what she was doing and smiled.
“Thank you! I got this at Abercrombie and Fitch,” she said to me. As I walked away, I wondered – why did that feel so good to do?
According to studies, receiving compliments can be just as satisfying as receiving cash. Although I wasn’t receiving the compliment, it felt very satisfying to be the one giving it.
Research also shows receiving compliments has psychological benefits. But I was curious: would giving compliments have that similar positive effect on me? I wanted to test this theory, so for one week I decided to compliment complete strangers.
In the beginning, I kept to complementing the individuals who smiled back at me (which to me signaled ‘I won’t eat you alive’).
Although I felt good complimenting strangers, I couldn’t help but feel I was breaking a social norm. Christopher Kelly, Ph.D., an assistant professor in the department of sociology at St. Joe’s, discussed the social implications of my experiment.
“What you’re doing is a breaching exercise – you are purposely violating people’s social space when they’re not expecting it,” Kelly said. “It’s a cultural thing. Americans are fairly private, especially in a city where we’re very densely packed in. We still are relatively isolated from each other when it comes to social interaction.”
As the week went on, I could tell my compliments took people off guard.
“[After] 18-20 plus years of social conditioning, we have this guard up because we don’t expect it,” Kelly said.
At the beginning of the week, my comments were based exclusively on appearance. The compliments had to do with superficial American Apparel clothing, avocado laptop cases, etc. I didn’t think I was digging “deep” enough. So I dug deeper. In the middle of my experiment I switched up my experiment by challenging myself to compliment strangers based on anything but appearance.
My first compliment which didn’t have to do with appearance was at a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru. I was stocking up on cold brew and egg bagels when I thought about how the woman who worked there had always been so friendly and upbeat. I was a frequent visitor, and yet she was still a stranger to me.
“You are always so positive. I love when you’re working!” I said as I was about to drive off. She told me to wait and returned with a brown bag containing a pink frosted donut.
I found myself making more social connections, some evolving into small talk with strangers. I felt good when perceiving I made others feel good.
Phyllis Anastasio, Ph.D, professor of psychology and a social psychologist, discussed the transference of attitude when it comes to complimenting strangers.
“If we give compliments to others, we begin to feel more warmly toward them,” Anastasio said. “We actually infer how we feel about something, giving blood, marching for science, another person, in large part based on our behavior towards them. Giving someone a compliment gives us a feeling of connection with them, something that we as humans must have.”
This was especially evident when I was shopping at a drugstore. I was browsing the shelves of Advil knockoffs when I saw two young children and noticed how well behaved they were. They waved in my direction, and I caught the eye of their nearby mother. I complimented her on the politeness of her children.
“Thank you!” she responded, caught off guard.
Throughout my experiment, I noticed some things about myself. My compliments forced me to pay attention to the good in people. The simple conclusion to the experiment was complimenting people made me feel good, too.
I received a lot during the experiment: social connection, a free donut, as well as shopping advice. But in the end, I felt like I had contributed as well. Regardless of how small a contribution my words provided in the end the feeling they gave was what mattered most.
