The value of singleness in a romance-infatuated society

The weather is getting colder and holidays are kicking in. It’s every millennial’s favorite time or least favorite time of year, “cuffing season.”

It’s the time of year when single people feel the pressure to have a significant other to keep them company during the long and cold months of winter. After all, what’s better than a another person to serve as your personal heater, validation machine and emotional pillow? The answer is yourself.

I’m not saying that relationships are a bad thing. Relationships are great when pursued at the right time for the right reasons with the right person. What I am saying is that we live in a society that is infatuated with romanticism which makes it difficult, uncomfortable, and kind of embarrassing to be single.

That moment when you’re sitting at your cousin’s wedding and it’s time for the bride to toss the bouquet. They call up all the single ladies, but we are all hesitant to get up out of our seats to state the obvious truth that “I don’t have a man.” You conjure up the courage to make your way to the dance floor and angle your arms to guarantee you catch the bouquet, but miss it. Sigh, maybe next time.

Romance is thrown at us from every corner from movies to celebrity couples to holidays designated for love birds. We love romance and romance sells. From a young age, we are bombarded with narratives of lovers and couples in our favorite childhood shows and movies.

Growing up I wanted the Cosmo to my Wanda, the Simba to my Nala, the Mickey to my Minnie and the Edward (or Jacob) to my Bella.

When I was about 5 years old I had my wedding planned out. I hadn’t even known what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would play dress up and walk down the aisle to my nonexistent groom and almost 16 years later he’s still nonexistent.

I think my younger self would be disappointed. I have never been in serious relationship and for a long time I thought something was wrong with me. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? And a list of many of other questions that made me the problem.

I’m almost three years deep into my college experience and  I still don’t have a relationship while being surrounded by the past, present and future Hawkmates of St. Joe’s. And the question that first comes up in my mind, “Is something wrong with me?”

The answer is no.

During Thanksgiving break, I was on a panel with other young adults from my church, who came to answer the real life questions that our youth wanted to ask us. Of course, one of the first questions that emerge is, how do we navigate romantic relationships? I guess that’s the selling point of college.

I answer with three simple words before I elaborated, “Value your singleness.” I got the looks  of “what the hell is she talking about?” Then I further explained, you have your whole life to be connected to someone, to assume titles, to be in love, heartbroken, etc.

There are few moments in life that you have to yourself, few opportunities to be selfish and it took me a while to come to that realization. I think many of us take singleness to be synonymous for loneliness and it’s not.

I thank God that I haven’t been in a serious relationship yet. I’m glad I didn’t have the opportunity to project my insecurities and brokenness onto someone else or rely on someone to be my fix or fill my void. That leaves room for toxicity. I don’t need or want that.

I’m 20 years old, 21 in January. I’m single and definitely not ready to mingle because I’m currently mingling with myself. Figuring my kinks and quirks, learning to love me, exploring and growing before I try figure out  someone else.

I was scrolling through Pinterest and found a quote that stuck out to me which said: “Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little and never touch the ground.”

This is what I hope to do. In the meantime, I’ll vicariously live through all the love stories society presents and when the time is right, my nonexistent groom will be replaced with a real one. Maybe.