Hello, Anonymous! The holidays are bound to bring up existential questions like: “What makes a good gift?” or “How is one candle $20?” or “Does the thought REALLY count?” Christmas shopping for anyone can feel impossible. I can’t shop for myself, much less a total stranger like my father. He’s been in my life since before I was born. In all that time, I’ve learned he likes… the color green? It’s hard to shop around the concept of green. Maybe I could get him grapes? No, he says men don’t eat fruit. The point is: Buying a gift for your dad might be the hardest thing to do (besides remembering his birthday). I’m realizing now I might just be a bad son, but you also had to ask me what to get your dad, so we’re in this together.

Some guy once said, “All men are created equal,” which is especially true for middle-aged dads. They like eating, sports, hopefully their children and probably not much else. So three ideas immediately jump out. First, try tickets to a sporting event, dinner with you or just any activity you both can do together. That time spent will be better than any gift you could buy him. Just don’t go on your phone. Dads hate that. 

If you don’t feel like doing the bare minimum of spending time with him, there are also the universal gifts all dads will enjoy. Slippers are an all-time classic. Did you know they make fuzzy Crocs now? Or how about one of those aprons that have abs — what dad doesn’t want that? And, of course, a staple: socks.

Now, if you have absolutely no money, print out a photo of an ultrasound and put it in a card. When he thinks you’re pregnant, or you got someone pregnant, he will likely be super stressed out until you tell him it was all a joke. He’ll be so relieved afterward that he won’t even realize you didn’t get him an actual gift. That’s Plan Z, though, so try the other ideas first. Happy holidays!