A very reasonable list of places for the new headquarters
Amazon has recently announced plans to build a new headquarters, intended to supplement their existing offices in Seattle as the business continues to grow. Many cities and regions around the country have been vying for the opportunity to house the new headquarters of the online shopping corporation. I propose a list of potential sites that I believe would be perfect for the new location.
Delaware County, Pa.: A fitting start to the list; this small county lying just outside of Philadelphia is a perfect location for Amazon. Just as Amazon has been able to easily outpace other online retailers with its cult-like following of users, “DelCo,” as residents call it, also maintains an almost religious devotion from the people who live there. DelCo is essentially the perfect site for the two sects to meet and achieve complete and total world domination. I can think of no better place for Amazon’s CEO, PrimeLord Jeff Bezos, to rest his head at night.
Bogota, Colombia: As with any good business model, Amazon is always looking to expand. Originating as an online bookstore, Amazon has grown in recent years to sell everything from books to electronics to groceries. Soon, the company will be able to provide each PrimeCitizen with every product they want (All hail the Prime!). Thus, moving the company to the one of the most prominent illegal drug capitals of the world is the ideal way to tap into this new market.
The Moon: It may not be practical and the commute is a real pain, but it would be pretty cool. I think we all know that PrimeLord Bezos has at least considered this option, especially following Elon Musk’s recent successes with SpaceX.
14th century Europe: Fresh off of a plague that killed as many as 200 million people, 14th century Europe would also be a Prime location for the headquarters. The continent was devastated for centuries after the plague due to economic upheaval. What better location for the stability provided by a massive company like Amazon? Our PrimeLord will likely have the capacity and funds to complete a time machine any day now, so the only hurdle left will be training Ye Olde Europeans in modern technology.
The actual pits of Hell: The tortured souls of the damned; Hellhounds racing around the fiery pits as sinners are taunted and tormented by Satan’s demons. I can think of no place where Amazon’s workers would feel more at home. The pits of Hell are just as hot as the average Amazon warehouse, perhaps even a little cooler, and the screams of tortured souls are just as depraved and terrifying as the conditions in the warehouses. Amazon employees will be more than comfortable in such a location.
I believe any and all of these locations could function successfully as Amazon’s new headquarters. We will likely know within the next few months where the new location will be, but until then, PrimeCitizens can rest assured that our benevolent PrimeLord Bezos watches over us no matter where “He” resides. All hail the Prime!
