A beginner’s guide to online dating 

I’m powerfully cynical, powerfully opinionated, and powerfully single. I also like grilled cheese and go on a lot of bad Tinder dates. Form an orderly queue, everyone: I’m here to dispense all of my wisdom on love, relationships, and various other things I’m terrible at doing.

It has come to my attention that people looking for love (or something similar) on the internet are in need of a little guidance. Assuming you’ve all had sufficient training in the ways of the internet, the best way to help you is to provide my unfounded opinions.

Pucker up, kids—if you follow these five tricks for Tinder dating, your roommate will never catch you sobbing alone into an empty ice cream carton while watching “When Harry Met Sally” again.

1. Your bio may need some work

Too many Tinder bios are tragically lackluster. True, you might just be looking for a warm body, but no one gets all hot and bothered knowing any of these three details: You’re tall, you like pizza/puppies/sleeping, and you love Netflix. Include something interesting! People like to pretend that they’re not shallow. Give them some small detail about your life; convince them to be interested in you. This way, they can pretend they “completely didn’t notice’’ all the pictures of your hot bod.

2. Intentionally vague photos

This one is a fun little experiment. Ask yourself: Do your photos look like you’re escaping the government? Are you, in fact, escaping the government? Good for you. This is a great time to be on Tinder. You may be a dangerous escapee, but there’s no escaping your need for love! That’s why it’s smart to post photos from very far away, in massive group shots, or where you’re not facing the camera, so no one can identify your face and location.

If you’re not escaping the government, pick better photos. This tip is pretty straightforward.

3. Persistence isn’t always key

If you have trouble picking up on social cues, read this tip very carefully: There is no magic number of “hey’s” that will unlock someone’s heart.

So you messaged her 17 times already with no response. Eighteenth time’s the charm, am I right? No—not right. Stop doing this, right now. Move along, buddy. It’s not going to happen.

4. Conversation content

I get it: Poems are the language of romance, haikus are poems, and haikus have syllable restrictions. Therefore, you may think that wooing your mate is a matter of limiting your syllables to “Hey!”, “How are you?”, “What’s up?” and responding with a simple “Hi!”, “Good”, “Haha not much”, etc. This is boring. Use some adjectives. Your scary English teacher in high school taught you better.

5. Stay hydrated

Science says that the best way to seduce someone is to drink 8 to 10, 8-ounce glasses of water a day. No one wants to go on a date with someone who doesn’t know the basic rules of hydration. That’s why dating is so great: Everyone knows that the famous line, ‘Want to grab drinks later?’ communicates a mutual need and enthusiasm for drinking water. Being thirsty is a turn-off.

Next time you find yourself on Tinder, make sure to keep these five tips in mind. Good luck, everyone, and may the swipes be ever in your favor.