A satirical look at education

After months of long phone conversations with his mother and older brother, Logan Turner, ’18, has decided to forgo his senior academic year of college and go straight into unemployment.

“It just sort of felt like I was delaying the inevitable,” Logan Turner said calmly. “So I decided to rip the Band-Aid off a year early.”

This news comes as a huge shock to some of Turner’s closest friends, who have seen all of the hard work he’s put in since coming to Hawk Hill.

“I still can’t believe it,” said roommate Chris Thomas, ’18, who described Logan Turner as “an extremely devoted student and active member of the community.” Having taken a look at the unemployment rate of graduates within their first five years, Turner decided it wouldn’t be worth another 60 thousand dollars.

“It was really a no brainer,” said Logan Turner. “Worst case scenario, I’ll finish my degree online if I’m ever in a position to get a job that actually requires one.”

He spoke about his future with a sense of anticipation: “I’m so excited to embark on this new chapter of my life. I feel like everything I’ve done so far has been leading me right here, where I’m supposed to be.”

Logan Turner’s mother, Amanda Turner, has decent experience with unemployment herself.

“I always told him that I’d be able to help him out if he became unemployed,” said Amanda Turner, who has been in and out of unemployment for 12 years. “I think I’ll be able to get him on his feet, really show him the tricks of the trade.”

However, just like any other occupation, unemployment is a changing game, and it is essential to be ahead to stay afloat.

“You’ve got to keep yourself informed of the different ways to collect while unemployed. If you blink, you’ll find that the most effective plans are gone before they even help anyone,” Logan Turner concluded.

Logan Turner said he’d like to thank all of his peers and professors for their time over the last three years.

Disclaimer: This piece is to be taken extremely seriously. No laughing. Please take every single fact literally.