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The Hawk News

The Student News Site of St. Joseph's University

The Hawk News

The Student News Site of St. Joseph's University

The Hawk News

Tips to be a good employee and maximize your paycheck

A satire from the world’s best employee
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GRAPHIC: CARA HALLIGAN ’25/THE HAWK

As the self-proclaimed “world’s best employee” that I am (I even made myself a mug that says that), I thought I would generously offer some tips so everyone else can attempt to compete with me. I think my title is pretty safe, but I’d still like to give others a chance to be the second-best employee.

Go on your phone: The No. 1 complaint managers have about their employees is they work too hard (source: myself). So, take more breaks, go on your phone, put headphones in and enjoy your day. It will let your boss know you don’t let the daily stresses of life impact your work performance because you’re not stressed at all.

Show up late: Showing up 10-15 minutes late every day will ensure you get enough rest for the long day ahead. No one wants their employees to be sleep-deprived. That’s just dangerous. So, go ahead and hit the snooze button or turn the alarm clock off completely. You deserve rest.

Take care of yourself first: There’s a reason work has a bathroom. And, it’s for me to sit in there and watch TikToks. On average, every hour worked is rewarded with a half-hour bathroom break. This is an incredible TikTok-to-work ratio that ensures you minimize your actual hours worked. If you work more than two hours without a single bathroom break, you’re stealing from yourself. 

Treat coworkers with indifference: Better yet, pretend they don’t exist. This is how you stand out from the crowd. Recently, I had a coworker try to show me something he claimed was “funny” on his phone and prefaced by asking me if I’m “easily offended by jokes about dead babies.” That’s a true story. I didn’t even look up from my computer. When a coworker says “Good morning,” say, “Yeah, whatever.” You’ll have to fire these people later when you’re in charge, so there’s no point in making friends.

Maximize your gains: Adding 15-30 minutes on every timesheet you clock in and out on ensures you get a little extra in every paycheck. Some people call this “time theft,” but time isn’t real anyway. 

Also, toilet paper, paper plates, napkins, pens and anything else you can find around your workplace is completely yours to take. If they didn’t want you to have it, why would they leave it out in the open for anyone?

Overpromise and underdeliver. 

GRAPHIC: CARA HALLIGAN ’25/THE HAWK
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