It is with great pleasure that I present my newest proposal in improving our wonderful school: the department of St. Joe’s logistics and organizational productivity (SLOP). The department of SLOP’s objective will be to cut wasteful spending by the school in five simple steps.

Step 1: We will no longer serve “food” in the traditional sense. Studies show students don’t actually need food. No more will this university waste resources on fruits and vegetables, which are actually very bad for you. We will exclusively serve gelatinous protein blocks. Campion Student Center will also be renamed “Champion,” as only winners eat there.

Step 2: We will replace the library with a single Amazon Fire that everyone can share, since no one reads books anymore. We will also rename the Drexel Library to “THE ST. JOE’S LIBRARY OF EXCELLENCE.” 

Step 3: During a very real audit I conducted with the help of local elementary school students, we looked at all the spending done by each department. We also looked at everyone’s social security number. Anyway, we discovered the school is wasting thousands on useless courses, such as science, business, something called ethics and other things I’ve never even heard of. From now on, we will offer only one major: SMARTNESS! 

Step 4: In this very obvious move, all faculty will be fired and replaced with a laptop running ChatGPT and displaying YouTube video essays.

Step 5: With all of these savings, we will buy Villanova, Temple, Drexel and Penn! I have asked their students, and they all said they would love to be Hawks.

While this may harm the quality of life for students, plummet our academic prestige and potentially lose us our accreditation, I believe my ideas will be worth it in the long run. These plans could potentially save our school BILLIONS (up to $3,000). These savings will not be passed onto the students and, in this plan, I will also double tuition. 

I hope these changes excite everyone else as much as they do me. We will be entering a golden age of St. Joe’s!