If there’s one thing everyone can universally agree on, it is a love for advertisements. These include commercials, 30-second unskippable artificial intelligence ads of mobile games, billboards on I-76 advertising free strip club lunches and injury lawyers and, of course, company sponsorships. Freedom is to be advertised to; it is the culmination of our capitalist, free market society. The American dream is not dead. It was simply sold to Amazon.

As tuition prices soar, the solution is clear for St. Joe’s to stand above the rest: We need to get corporate sponsorships. Like how the Eagles play in Lincoln Financial Field and McDonald’s was the official sponsor of the Olympics, St. Joe’s needs a corporate sponsor. Here are just a few ideas to get our school started: the Klarna Financial Aid Department, the OpenAI College of Arts and Sciences, the Crypto Haub School of Business and the Ozempic College of Pharmacy. Doesn’t that just sound amazing?

But we won’t stop there. Our professors can wear logos on their shirts like professional athletes. Every Canvas assignment can have a 30-second ad about Burger King Whoppers. We’ll just make The Kettle into a HelloFresh subscription. Some people may argue the commercialization of higher education is a troubling symptom of a broken system, that the dignity of academic institutions should be protected and that students deserve an environment free from corporate influence.

Those people are probably correct, but they are also probably broke. Have you seen what a degree costs? Slap a Pepsi logo on my diploma, and let’s get this bread. St. Joe’s, the opportunity is there. The corporations are ready. All we have to do is sell out, and the Hawk will never go broke.

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