An editor’s professional view on how to write for a newspaper

Hello my winged, flying pals. How are we soaring today? Sorry, I meant Hawks—hello, Hawks.

Remember me? I used to write about sex, masturbation, and relationships-the usual good, clean, fun articles. After such ‘heavy lifting’ I had a craving to share with you all how to actually write a fantastic article.

This little guide, dear readers, can be used locally or globally—for The Hawk and beyond. It’ll be one the readers will adore; an article that’ll win awards. You get the picture. Let’s discuss. (And remember, I’m totally not open to suggestions).

First of all, I always find it important to write without an agenda. Don’t nail down your piece with a topic. Topics are lame, boring, and outdated. (Aren’t they, like, from the 50s or something?) Keep the article vague and the voice easily unidentifiable. For example, take a subject that really matters to you, say politics, or even something about those itty bitty reproductive rights, and write as if you don’t give one flying Hawk about it.

Also, if you choose to write about something important, especially if it’s, like, topical—don’t research. Make it up instead. It’s really important to keep viewers on their toes, and credibility is so not important. There’s this new thing I’ve heard of recently, it’s called ‘alternative facts,’ and I really think I want to try it out in my articles. I encourage everyone to try it, too. Let’s get together and write some fake news, am I right?

Another thing that is super important is to submit articles that the staff of the paper or magazine will absolutely loathe. For this tip, I’d like to localize it to our campus. So, let’s take The Hawk, for example. It’s important to submit an article to a section with an irrelevant topic. For instance, submit a lifestyle piece to news, a news piece to opinions, and a sports piece as a letter to the editor. They’ll love that.

I’m getting ahead of myself—let’s make sure we’ve got the basics. Once you get a good first draft down, it’s time to edit. It’s absolutely imperative that you don’t edit your own work. Please, let’s leave the editing to the staff, because editors appreciate mistakes. They take you more seriously if your article is flooded with grammar, spelling, and factual errors. I promise.

In the same vein, if you want to look super professional, make sure to use abbreviations. Type your article like you’re talking to your sixth grade friends. Abbreviations are an essential tool for getting to the point of what’s going on in the world. e.g. “LOL — did you see Kellyanne on CNN tho? Like, cash me outside, how ’bout dat?”

These were just some points I wanted to share with you guys, because it stinks to not have a bit of a guide through it all. Remember, voiceless and meaningless writing is always the way to go.

Let me also leave you with this: Writing is really hard, but writing fake stuff is even harder.

Happy Writing!

(If you need another further assistance—or you’re just simply ‘shook’—please call: 1-800-FAKE-NEWS or, alternatively, 1-800-SUPPORT-JOURNALISTS).

Disclaimer: This piece should be taken extremely seriously. Really. No laughing,