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The Hawk News

The Student News Site of St. Joseph's University

The Hawk News

The Student News Site of St. Joseph's University

The Hawk News

Fit to be king
Lilli Dellheim, Special to the Hawk • July 13, 2024

How to prepare for a job interview: A satire on the existential dread of a future career

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GRAPHIC: MINDY CHOI ’25/THE HAWK

A job interview can be a nerve-wracking experience, especially an interview for an internship or a post college career. You could be working this job Monday through Friday, 9-5, for the rest of your life. Before you know it, your life will spiral into Excel spreadsheets and documents for this very occupation. Your coworkers will become the only people you interact with on a daily basis. That one guy, Dave, whose cubicle is right next to yours, won’t stop talking to you about the weather. Yes, Dave, I know it’s raining. It’s still raining. It never stops raining. So, before the existential dread truly sets in, here are some tips to best prepare for a job interview.

Lie: Lying will get you far in life. The great philosopher Plato once said, “Fake it till you make it.” During a job interview, you should lie whenever possible, especially on your resume. For example, say you have years of experience in whatever field you’re applying for. You single-handedly replanted an entire forest in your hometown. And yes, you created Facebook. What are they going to do? Fact-check? Doubt it.

Dress to impress: Always wear a three-piece suit to any job interview. This goes for everyone and every job. The interviewer will see your superior sense of style and professionalism, and possibly hire you on the spot.

Never settle, money-wise: A typical interview question that you might get is how much you expect to be compensated for your work. Your base rate should always be six figures. Know your worth. Anything less than that just isn’t worth your time.

Show up whenever you want: This is actually the professional world’s best-kept secret. If you show up early, you seem too eager, and it shows you have a lot of free time. Showing up fifteen minutes or even an hour late will show you have a lot going on in your life. Nobody wants to hire a freeloader.

Have a ten-year plan: Let me present a scenario for you. The interviewer asks, “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” This is a crucial question, so it is important to have a great answer. Think carefully about how you will respond. My personal answer: “Let me do you one better. In six weeks’ time, I see myself in your job. In your seat. I’m interviewing you. I don’t hire you. You don’t have what it takes to work for my company.”

Follow-up: Following up is crucial. I recommend the “10-10-10” strategy for following up. Follow-up 10 minutes after the interview, 10 minutes after this follow-up and then another 10 minutes after that follow- up. Do this until you have the job. It’s a foolproof method.

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